I thought this picture was funny and I needed a laugh.

I thought this picture was funny and I needed a laugh so I thought I would share it with you. Yes that is me playing dress up.
Wow a whole week and some days since I journaled an entry. I haven't been busy so I don't know what is up with that. I think it maybe the lack of things to do so therefore, nothing gets done. I am thankful that I don't have much to do these days but that time is ending very soon. I start the "Job" on July 5th. I am nervous but ready.
I went to the doctor to tell me if I have Lupus and he said that I don't but that I have Firbomyalgia. This of course is no great news to me and it does answer some of the same questions that the Lupus answered... but non-the-less I still have a few more test results to get in before we know what the whole picture is.
I am just gonna hang out and relax for the next few days and then I will spend the 4th with some friends and then I will be like the rest of the working world, stuck in a rut and never seeing the end.... I hope it really doesn't seem that way. As a matter of fact I am trying to look at all the positive things about having this new job and of course the most fun of all of them is a paycheck. Wow.... money that I worked to earn.....haven't know that feeling in a very long time so I look forward to getting used to it.
Stay tuned for more infor on how the health and new job are going.... hopefully I will have some great thought or quote to write next time you come by.

Hard as steel is my heart
Always breaking me apart
Never letting the truth be known
Fragile, by the wind I'm blown
Seeking, searching, for help I'm crying
Until I'm dead I will not stop trying
To find the solution to soften my heart
And put back the pieces that have fallen apart.
Amy Hosp

This is how I am feeling today. A bit hard in the heart, not so much hard hearted, or at least not toward anyone but me. I do feel very fragile and tossed around by the wind. Originally I wrote this poem when I wanted to die, I don't so much want to die now, rather I feel a determination to keep going and find out what it is, that solution to soften my heart toward me before I die. I feel the ever increasing need to do this so that when I do die I will be able to look Jesus' in the eyes and say that I did the best with me that I could have. Ironic part of all of this is that to do that means that I have to completely get outside of my own mind and get into my spirit a place that doesn't always feel that safe. My favorite quote.... that I am not sure I will ever achieve.... is from Dr. John Piper. "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfiedied in Him" In order to do this I must grow beyond my own selfish deep, darkness and stupid silliness so that I can be satisfied in God.... that means that I can worship Him with me out of the way.
Well, just some thoughts from the randomness of me.

Old Journal Entry

The refelction on my job making decisions reminded me of a journal entry that I had written sometime ago. Just thought it would be thought provking for you as well.........
Somewhere in my heart is floating around the real reasons why I trusted God in the first place, but yet elsewhere in my head is floating the reasons that I keep trusting Him, and as far as my eyes can tell, the floating is some what storm tossed and battered a bit by the wind. A fog is setting in and through the fog I hear the call of the great fog horn that would direct my path but yet the thickness of the coming fog makes it hard to tell which direction to turn. I turn to the left and I think that I hear it, the sound of sense and awareness, but then my flesh rises up in the way of the sound-waves and my hearing is majorly impaired. It isn't as much of a spiritual problem caused by this impairment as much as it is becoming a mental/emotional problem brought on by this sudden coverage of fog. Oh to know the direction once again and to have a clear view of the horizon.
Think back to the last time you were in a place with fog heavy enough to silence the world around you. Are you there, can you see where you are going, and are you just as amazed as I am that everything looks and even feels different? It is the same way with snow except that where I live there is never really enough snow to alter the eyes view. With fog, there is a sense of aloneness and a lost-ness that quickly comes. Like a scene from a movie where two lovers are lost in the darkness trying to find each other in the grayness of the fog, so is my heart and my mind trying to reconnect with the one purpose and goal of pleasing my God in the buffeting of my body. There are deep rooted places, like a ridge that you have approached and found yourself on the edge of only after a small glimpse of the landscape is seen through the shimmering breaks in the fog. The ridge is there and there is no way across and the fog is even thicker down below, so much so that you can't see the bottom, and your only choice is to sit and wait. Wait for the fog to lift of for the courage to arrive somewhere within you to just go for it and make it across the ridge. Once across you know that the ridge will forever be behind you, but it is that newness of the job of exploration of decision, not even the crossing, but just the deciding to do it, that can paralyze you. At first it may seem that it is the fog that is stopping you, but at a greater look it turns out to be the ridge and what is inside the crevices that keeps you frozen in one spot. Due to the fog you can never be sure what may jump out and get you, or just where you will land. The only movement is that which you already know to do, so you repeat it and repeat it and repeat no matter the possible detriment to yourself, but what else is there to do?

God's Fortune Cookie message to me

I want to tell you my story of the events surrounding my new job. Yes, that is right I have a new job. The job will not start until July 5th and honestly I don’t really want this job but having money will be great so I will take it. The reason I don’t want the job is because I will be stuck in a cubicle with no windows and no people doing the same thing over and over each day. That is just so not my personality but I figure that if I can sweat in Africa without air conditioning and power, running water, no food and no water to drink, then I can handle sitting in an air conditioned building in America and get paid for doing it.
Well, I want to share the story of the events of getting the job because it reminds me that God knows us so well and takes the time to speak to us according to our personalities. If you don’t know me then you may not understand why this is so funny but those of you who do know me will understand the humor of this.
Last week I posted a resume with Monster.com. I got a reply from a company that I did not apply with but I thought, “I need a job, I should call them.” So I did. This is the very first place that I called other than temp agencies who lie about what they want and what type of jobs they have…. But that is ok…. I forgive them and I am trying to give them Grace. So, once I called this job they asked me to come in and take a typing test and a ten key test. No problem… I type fast so I thought this is no big deal. I went in and took the tests and I did fine with the typing test but the ten key was a bit slow. I have a laptop and haven’t used a ten key pad in about 5 years so I went slow to have better accuracy but evidently slow is not so good. After taking the test the lady interviewing me told me that she wanted some other people in the company to talk with me so that I could get the whole interview process done at one time. Great… I was not prepared for this but things went really well and once I told them that I had been in Africa all other things about me disappeared and that is all they wanted to talk to me about…. Well, they did ask a few questions about why I would want this job …. Blah blah blah…… I honestly didn’t want the job because by that time I had walked through the area where I would be sitting and it felt somewhat like a death trap but all the same I kept thinking that getting paid money would be a good thing so I decided that I would do what it would take to get the job. At the end of the interview, I knew they were going to offer me the job so I took a deep breath and I went home.
The next day the call came. Now by this time I had been praying that if this was the job I was supposed to have then God would have them say YESSSSSS or NOOOOO flat out.. no more, no less. Here is the conversation of the phone call, “Amy, we want to offer you the job” (Amy’s thoughts… oh crap) “Ok, that is great!” (not smiling) “But Amy, your ten key is about 10 key strokes less then what we need so can you come back in and test and then we will see what happens?” (Amy’s thoughts… now God this is not yes or no, that is a more then??????) “Ok, I will come back next week, I haven’t used ten key in a long time but I will practice and come back”
So, over the weekend I practiced for about 10 minutes and then decided that I can do the test, I knew I could do what they needed so I put the whole job thing out of my head and enjoyed the day. Sunday I expressed my worry to my pastor about how I don’t know if I should take this job or not because it will take me out of full time ministry but having money to be in full time ministry is good and since I have none I should take the job but I am concerned about my level of depression and blah, blah, blah….. so he prayed that I would know for sure.
Ok, now I am ready to make my decision and either call and tell them no thank you or go and take the test and tell them yes……… I was so ready for this, I completely avoided it all day on Monday…. But on Tuesday morning I decided to call and ask what the hours I would be working would be because I knew I wanted to work certain hours….. and of course the hours don’t fit in that frame… I would love to be off work by 4 or 4:30 as I have over the past ten years…… well the lady who had interviewed me last week asked me when I was going to come back in and take the ten key test. I sighed a great sigh and said, how about today? She told me 2:30 would be great. As the day drug on I was fighting with myself to call and tell her forget it or to just go and take the test……
My thoughts were that if I take the test and it is not fast enough then it is my skill that caused me not to get the job and it was not because I said no. I am having trouble turning down a good paying job even if it will make me unhappy… I just don’t feel that it is responsible to turn down a job. Anyway, I had already decided that I was going to not eat for the day for several reasons but I once I decided that I would go and take the test, because the temp job I was told was so close and I drove to find it the night before wasn’t so close or not even close at all, and the other job (the one I really really want) was not where they told me it was either and they will not interview until after the 22nd of June and I had been out in 100 degree Texas trying to get other jobs… I decided that I should eat something so that when I take the ten key test I would be able to concentrate and do my very best. Yes, that is how my mind runs all the time….
I thought… I have almost one hour, I should go somewhere close to the office. I found a Chinese food place and went in. After my meal I opened my fortune cookie. Now, I want to remind you that this job is processing medical claims. I read the message in my cookie and I am not kidding, it said, “You will make a name for yourself in the field of medicine.” Of all the fortune cookie messages in the world that I could have gotten I had to get this one…… I told God right away that I didn’t think that was very funny. I don’t put any stock in messages from fortune cookies but why couldn’t I have gotten the message that said “You will meet and marry your very rich husband today so that you don’t have to take this job”. Maybe I should have played the lotto numbers on the back of the message????
I went and took the test and they offered me the job and I said yes and then I cried for the rest of the day. By the way, my pastor’s pray was answered and I knew for sure that I didn’t want the job! But I am taking it anyway until something else comes along or I just don’t like it enough and I tell them no thank you.
I don’t know what will happen with the job and I am reminding myself that I cried when I got the last job I had because I didn’t want it either for other reasons but that was the job that put me with a wonderful boss who gave me the courage to follow the call of God in my life and sent me to Africa.
So, I guess my fortune cookies message for you is to seek out how God is speaking to you at times when you think you can’t really hear Him because He will speak to you in that special way that He created you to hear Him.
Follow up: I took the job, and I started on a Tuesday??? The next day I injured my back, I don't remember how I did that but I had a left over injury from Nigeria which made the new injury much worse than it would have been. By Thursday of my first week of work I couldn't walk without crutches, and by Friday I had to leave the job because I was in so much pain that I couldn't sit up straight for the training. Now, I have to say that I believe that the pain in my back was a result of not following what God wanted for me, not that I believe that God gives up pain, but I do think He allowed me to hurt my back.... I was very clear that I didn't want the job and my pastor's pray was answered but I ignored it and took the job anyway... lesson learned: Pay more attention to what the pastor says......

Today is Sunday

Today is Sunday! I went to brunch with a friend today, a birthday thing we have done for the past several years, and then I went to buy a cable for my tv. I was on the side of town where my church is so I thought that I should stop by. It was 11:34 already but I decided that I would go. My church has lots of grace on people so I know this would be no different for me. The message was really good..... or at least the part of the message that I heard. My pastor was preaching about "shame off you" I love that. It is a good reminder of how Jesus sees us and how we should see ourselves.
Today is Sunday and today I see myself as ok. I am tired, just part of the Lupus stuff, if that is even what is really going on.... more test to come and doctor's to see.......but I have been thinking about how nice it is to rest on Sunday.

Almost Unpacked!

Wow..... I am almost done, I am almost completely unpacked. This is the apartment building that I moved into two weeks and one day ago. I think this may be a record for me. By the end of the day tomorrow I will have everything in it's home and all things hung on the wall and all extra things thrown out. I hate throwing things out because it feels like part of me is going away forever but at the same time I love it. If I can find a place, that is a new home with someone else, for the things I'm throwing out I do but otherwise I have learned that getting rid off, trimming down, just throwing out can be so freeing. Before I went to Nigeria I did a lot of that but since I have been home I have had the desire to do more and more of that. I don't know if it is because I am wanting to travel and be ready to go whenever God says go, or if it is that I have realized that I don't know half of what I have. There is some guilt associated with having so much stuff after being in a place where so many have so little. I suppose that I should just call myself blessed and go on with life.
I do love my new apartment and I will post some pictures as soon as everything is perfect.... Can't do it before because I want everyone to think I always keep my house in perfect condition. Hey, we can all dream can't we?

ME IN YOU

ME IN YOU

I trusted You with all my heart,
I gave You everything I had,
I believed everything You told me,
I laid my life in Your hands.

I walked with You every day,
I drank Your cup of security,
I ran with the confidence of Your Word,
I rested in Your hands.

I surrendered every part of my being,
I let go of all my fears,
I totally ignored all of my own wants and ways,
I entered into Your Holiness.

I took my eyes off You for one brief moment,
I walked into false submission,
I took back everything that I gave to You,
I fell from Your arms all by myself.

I wondered alone for years,
I looked for You in so many places,
I created my own false security,
I relied on my own knowledge.

I looked up one day,
I saw You waiting there,
I ran back to the place right where I left You,
I found myself in You!

Amy Hosp