Old Journal Entry

The refelction on my job making decisions reminded me of a journal entry that I had written sometime ago. Just thought it would be thought provking for you as well.........
Somewhere in my heart is floating around the real reasons why I trusted God in the first place, but yet elsewhere in my head is floating the reasons that I keep trusting Him, and as far as my eyes can tell, the floating is some what storm tossed and battered a bit by the wind. A fog is setting in and through the fog I hear the call of the great fog horn that would direct my path but yet the thickness of the coming fog makes it hard to tell which direction to turn. I turn to the left and I think that I hear it, the sound of sense and awareness, but then my flesh rises up in the way of the sound-waves and my hearing is majorly impaired. It isn't as much of a spiritual problem caused by this impairment as much as it is becoming a mental/emotional problem brought on by this sudden coverage of fog. Oh to know the direction once again and to have a clear view of the horizon.
Think back to the last time you were in a place with fog heavy enough to silence the world around you. Are you there, can you see where you are going, and are you just as amazed as I am that everything looks and even feels different? It is the same way with snow except that where I live there is never really enough snow to alter the eyes view. With fog, there is a sense of aloneness and a lost-ness that quickly comes. Like a scene from a movie where two lovers are lost in the darkness trying to find each other in the grayness of the fog, so is my heart and my mind trying to reconnect with the one purpose and goal of pleasing my God in the buffeting of my body. There are deep rooted places, like a ridge that you have approached and found yourself on the edge of only after a small glimpse of the landscape is seen through the shimmering breaks in the fog. The ridge is there and there is no way across and the fog is even thicker down below, so much so that you can't see the bottom, and your only choice is to sit and wait. Wait for the fog to lift of for the courage to arrive somewhere within you to just go for it and make it across the ridge. Once across you know that the ridge will forever be behind you, but it is that newness of the job of exploration of decision, not even the crossing, but just the deciding to do it, that can paralyze you. At first it may seem that it is the fog that is stopping you, but at a greater look it turns out to be the ridge and what is inside the crevices that keeps you frozen in one spot. Due to the fog you can never be sure what may jump out and get you, or just where you will land. The only movement is that which you already know to do, so you repeat it and repeat it and repeat no matter the possible detriment to yourself, but what else is there to do?