Hard as steel is my heart
Always breaking me apart
Never letting the truth be known
Fragile, by the wind I'm blown
Seeking, searching, for help I'm crying
Until I'm dead I will not stop trying
To find the solution to soften my heart
And put back the pieces that have fallen apart.
Amy Hosp

This is how I am feeling today. A bit hard in the heart, not so much hard hearted, or at least not toward anyone but me. I do feel very fragile and tossed around by the wind. Originally I wrote this poem when I wanted to die, I don't so much want to die now, rather I feel a determination to keep going and find out what it is, that solution to soften my heart toward me before I die. I feel the ever increasing need to do this so that when I do die I will be able to look Jesus' in the eyes and say that I did the best with me that I could have. Ironic part of all of this is that to do that means that I have to completely get outside of my own mind and get into my spirit a place that doesn't always feel that safe. My favorite quote.... that I am not sure I will ever achieve.... is from Dr. John Piper. "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfiedied in Him" In order to do this I must grow beyond my own selfish deep, darkness and stupid silliness so that I can be satisfied in God.... that means that I can worship Him with me out of the way.
Well, just some thoughts from the randomness of me.